DOGE Fires Congress
by Charles F. Kane
There was shock and dismay across Capitol Hill this morning as dismissal notices from Elon Musk’s DOGE began hitting Congressional email boxes.
According to several sources, the unexpected missives were directed to all Senators, all members of the House of Representatives and their staffs. The emails, all identical, read in part: “Your performance in your position has been deemed below levels of acceptability for the functioning of government. As a result, you are being terminated from government immediately. Please vacate your office or workspace by the end of the day.”
The emails were not signed but were presumably sent by Musk’s marauding goons.
In addition, sources also indicated that in addition to the legislators and staff, termination notices would be arriving soon in the associated Congressional support agencies. These would include the U.S. Capitol Police, the Architect of the Capitol, the Government Accountability Office (GAO), the Congressional Research Service (CRS), the Congressional Budget Office and the Government Printing Office (GPO).
Answering questions at a press availability in the Oval Office, Musk, seated at the Resolute Desk with President Trump standing by, gave his justification for the firings.
Musk replied that Trump is dedicated to rooting out corruption and waste, and that Capitol Hill is the epicenter of both.
A Fox reporter asked, “Why Democrats and Republicans?”
Musk replied: “Obviously Democrats are enemies of the state and would do everything to obstruct the President’s plans for the nation. Even John Fetterman. As for Republicans, they are worthless. All they do is act the way we want them to anyway, so what’s the point of having them around. They just take up space and expense. If I wanted a pet, I would get a dog. And I hate dogs.”
Members of Congress and outside legal experts objected that Musk’s actions would violate the Constitution. However, in reply to a question from a Breitbart reporter, Musk said, “If should be obvious that we are in a post-Constitutional era. If you don’t believe me, ask the Supreme Court, while they are still around.”
A Newsmax reporter inquired about the fate of the Capitol and other buildings. Musk replied, glancing at Trump, “those buildings are in prime locations with wonderful views of the city. I am sure some developer could make good use of them in current form or by tearing them down for replacement as luxury condos.”
Rising from his desk, Musk said that he and Trump were to take off later that afternoon to inspect oil drilling facilities central to the Administration’s “drill, baby, drill” energy police. Asked where they were going, Musk smiled and said, “The Gulf of.” He only got that far before the press corps filled in, “of America.”
